9 thoughts on my parents (who read this blog and live in romania)

1. I haven't been able to erase their old American cell phone numbers from my contacts. The thought of it bums me out.

2. Speaking of cell phones, I wish I could text them pictures and random updates.

3. I'm really excited to see them in a few short days!

4. My kids are even more excited. I never really experienced grandparent love as a child. It melts me.

5. I love who I'm connected to through my parents. My aunts and uncles and cousins, Eastern Europeans, my best friend in Pennsylvania...

6. I wish my house was in better order for their visit.

7. I think about holding my mom's hand a lot. I miss holding her hand so much.

8. My Dad is better than yours. He might not be able beat yours up, but he could beat him at everything else.

9. As a parent, I want my children to know how much I love them just because they are my children. As a child, I want my parents to know how much I love them just because they are my parents.

to mom from #3

Mom,

With each year that I get to enjoy the blessing of being a mother, my respect for you grows and my heart is humbled. Here are some things for which I am so grateful.

You are a mom I could share anything with. You told me the truth and I told you the truth. We weren't afraid of being real with each other. I felt like the only girl with a mom like you.

You didn't have all the Bible studies under your belt in the 80s that you do now, but you had rock solid faith. You taught us with confidence that God has a good plan even when we go through hard circumstances. I remember vividly these lessons.

I was mesmerized by you as a child. You were so funny. Your spontaneous dancing and general silliness shaped me. (I think Avery looks at me the same way I looked at you.) All my friends loved your laugh. The burst of a howl followed by the unselfconscious hoo hoo hee hee ha ha made us giggle.

You are so comfortable to be with. We don't need a plan. We just plop down on the couch and share our hearts over hazelnut coffee. I love that.

You always give all you have. You give yourself. Growing up, I watched you give time, rides, money, groceries, hugs, smiles, encouragement, gifts...all.the.time.
You have the patience of Job. I didn't really know how self-centered I was as a child until I was an adult. One day you and Dad said, "Oh, Jenna, we are so relieved to see how sensitive you are to other people. You were the MOST self-centered child of the bunch." You didn't immortalize my weaknesses by pointing them out and trying to root them out of my life at a young age. You lived by example and waited patiently for the Lord to work in my heart. I find this extremely encouraging as a parent.

You were adventurous. You even tried to home school me. We lasted a good semester. Honestly, though, it was the best semester of my life. I loved being with you!

You valued arts and cultural experiences and thus made sure we had season tickets to the St. Louis Repertory Theater. I still remember Conversations With My Father, Fences, The Merry Wives of Windsor, A Christmas Carol, A Little Night Music, etc.... Maybe, this was a tiny influence on me ;)

You concocted and carried out some of the most hair-brained ideas, which turned out to make hilarious memories. My favorite was the time we got tired of the ducks. We'd acquired them on a whim at some rural county fair. For whatever reason, they became a nuisance and you decided that they belonged at someone else's farm. This didn't mean that you'd pick up the phone and find a new home for them. No, you spotted a good pond on someone else's property and didn't need to consult them. The plan we carried out was that when it got dark, we'd each hold onto a duck and lay low in the back of the pick-up while Dad drove. Then, when he stopped by the pond, we threw them over the fence as their feathers flew and they were quackin' at the moon. You're the only person I've ever thrown a duck with. I love you for that memory.

You are the best mother in the world for me. Happy Mother's Day!

loving my kids

My friend, Jenny, is doing a book giveaway on her blog. All you have to do to enter the contest is leave a comment about what you love about your children.

I love Jenny for making me do this exercise. Here's what I wrote:

i love avery (10 yrs) for being my little man who helps me get his baby sister in her car seat when we are running late. i love the way he hums a tune when he's eating a favorite meal. i love how he beat-boxes like a champ. i love watching him play baseball.


i love miles (8 yrs) for engaging his imagination 150% of the time. and i love listening to him use big words. i love that he's the most natural snuggler in all the universe.


i love jillian (3 yrs) for her laugh, her expressive eyes, her tenderness that doesn't let me off the hook when i use a harsh word. i love that she knows the lyrics to more songs than i do.


i love phoebe (1 yr) for melting my heart every time i look at her. i love, love, love to feel her two chubby hands with slightly sharp fingernails (because it's really hard to keep everyone's nails trimmed all the time!) grab my chin to turn my head to look at her. i love her stinky morning breath and the way she laughs and says "mama!" when it's just been too long since we've seen each other.

Now, if you've got some kiddos (or grandkids? or nieces or nephews?), go check out her blog and leave a comment for your chance to win a copy of Loving The Little Years: Motherhood in the Trenches! I know if I don't win a copy, I'll be borrowing hers!!!

one of my favorite parenting tips

The further into this journey of parenting I go, the more grace I need. I need it from the Lord obviously. And I need it from my friends. Here's a quote from a friend that I've been noodling on for awhile.

"Someone recently asked me for parenting advice and I told them, 'Surround yourself with friends who don't judge you or your parenting.'" (That was Sarah T, for the locals.)

Sure, I was as guilty as any other person pre-children. Even when the boys were still kinda little, I said things like "My kid will never ____."

One way God humbled me was to bless me with four children. I don't know an honest Christian mother who doesn't think that God is using motherhood to sanctify her. Holy Moly. I am constantly being humbled by saying things I never thought I'd say. I've turned a blind eye to behavior I never thought I'd permit. I struggle with anger more than I ever could have imagined. And, strangely, my children are not the perfect robot angels that I once knew they'd be. (But, they are pretty great!!!)

With all my failures in mind, it makes a WORLD of difference when I know I'm in the company of those who have grace for me. They have love and grace for me despite my flawed parenting. They have love and grace for my sinful children. Quite honestly, a friend's judgment on top of the failure does nothing if it doesn't make me a worse parent. It's burdensome.

What I need is understanding. I need encouragement. I need patience.

(And friends who are being judgmental need understanding and patience too! Bear with them and love them! And trust that God will humble them in His time! :D)

No need to affirm my stupid parenting moments. I don't need someone to tell me that my anger or my inconsistent parenting is inspiring. I need to know they love me anyway and that they'll be praying for me. I need to know they'll pray for my kids.

And, by God's grace, that's what I have. I am so blessed to be surrounded by friends who aren't judging me. I feel safe to confess my shortcomings and walk in the light and come away refreshed and ready to be a better mom.

dear mom, i'm sorry i haven't even posted pictures...

I was going to post some pictures just now. But, I opened my "Family 2010" picture folder, and there was virtually nothing there. Okay, there were two bad pictures of my kids. The other 800 pictures are still on my camera.

I know that I dropped off the face of the blogosphere. (I hate that term, but whatever.) Anyway, there's lots of good reasons:

1. Romeo and Juliet and their thirty-some cohorts needed costumes. done.

2. The power cord from my computer won't stay put, so it doesn't charge...or give power when my battery isn't charged. So, the laptop is usually out of commission. I think it's time we get a new computer. I could use advice. I'm very indecisive and take a LONG time to make biggish decisions.

3. I want to make the most of the little time I have left with my kids. It hit me recently that Avery is halfway to 18 years old. The first nine years went by too fast. I want to savor the vapor of this life.

So, if I have time, power (battery or AC, of course) and no major projects, I'll check-in here. At the very least, I hope to get some pictures up for the kids' biggest fans (aka Grandparents).

Before Felicity, there was Paige

There are people you meet who change you. And then there are those who haven't met--who have never even had a first breath or cry--who change you. Today, I'd like to honor the life of Paige, who was born on October 6, 2000, by sharing how her life and death changed me deeply. I am so grateful to God for her and look forward to meeting her when I get to heaven.

Nine years ago, one of my dearest friends in the world, Joy, called me at 6:30 in the morning crying. I arrived at her house shortly after to care for her son. She left for the hospital unsure of whether the little one she'd been carrying for 17 weeks was going to make it. Other than a huge supply of tears, I felt empty as I dreaded what seemed imminent.

I have never known a darker day than this one.

It was so dark. And I was so inexperienced with grief.

I had no idea what to say...what to not say...how to communicate my deep grief. There were so many questions that day and the days that followed I hadn't ever dealt with before. Was I allowed to grieve deeply as I felt like grieving??? Should I bring up Paige? Should I just wait to see if Joy wants to talk about it?? Should I ask to see Paige's pictures? What do I write in a card? Should I give flowers? If the flowers die, will that make her more sad?

It felt like every option of entering into Joy and Craig's grief was risky. It felt like I could fail at loving them by saying or doing the wrong thing.

I praise God for Joy, because it wasn't long before she called to check in. She didn't wonder what she should say. She shared the story of Paige's birth...about getting to the Emergency Room, the horrible bedside manner of the first doctor, the comfort they took in trusting God even after learning of Paige's death, the painful labor and delivery, the beautiful little baby that they were at first afraid to meet, and how they loved her so deeply, about the true presence of God they both felt in the hospital room. I wanted to know every detail, but would have felt invasive asking. I wanted to know as much about Paige's life as I could. I wanted to hold on to the details of her short earthly life.

In the days that followed, Joy would share with me how people at work wouldn't say anything. They didn't ask how she was, or share their sadness with her over the death of her baby. They just awkwardly entered her office to ask a question, and then took off. (Not all, but many.)

I felt convicted, knowing that I might have acted the same way. And so, I determined to not be that person.

I learned from Joy, through the life and death of Paige, that it is good and right to enter into grief with those who are grieving. It is good and right to take risks that express love, even if I doubt my eloquence. I learned that I don't have to have a close relationship with someone to express my own grief over their loss. I learned that it's better to say something, than to remain silent because I'm afraid it might make them more sad.

I still wish that Paige had lived her first 80 years, or so, of life here on earth.

But, I am grateful to God that He used her life to teach me how to love others better.

"we" = "you"

So, lately, I've noticed that I've gotten really passive-assertive with Brent. I think it's part of that first trimester entitlement exhaustion. "We" should really nip these kind of dishonest statements in the bud, before it becomes any more of a habit!!!

"We should really check the locks on the doors."
"We should give Jillian some tylenol."
"We should go rent a movie tonight."
"We should get me a glass of water."
"We should give a back massage."

andie was right.

In the comments of the last post, Andie rightly guessed that I'm an ENFP. Here's the link to take a brief myers-briggsish test.



Now, go get yourself tested!!!

Crazy 8s (a tag)

I was tagged by Sarah almost a month ago!! I wanna tag someone who will do this (even if it takes a month or two!). How about Janice??

8 T.V. shows I watch

1. The Office (really, the only one I do watch currently)
2. Arrested Development (on dvd)
3. So You Think You Can Dance (cannot get enough of this!)
4. SNL (every once in awhile)
5. Mad T.V. (sometimes)
6. um.
7. hm.
8. wuh?

8 Favorite Restaurants

1. Chipotle
2. Cafe Latte
3. India Palace
4. Pineda Tacos (it was only once and just recent, but golly it was tasty!)
5. A few gigs on the Hill, which I can't remember
6. Cardwell's (in St. Louis)
7. Longfellow Grille (for the sweet potato fries and the late Elvis Burger, which they removed from the menu...bastards...)
8. Pretty much any good Thai restaurant

8 Things I look forward to most in the morning

1. Coffee
2. Smelling Jillian's stinky breath (recently smelled like a hermit crab's aquarium. no joke.)
3. Cuddling with Miles
4. Seeing Avery has already managed breakfast for himself (I find his independence adorable)
5. Looking to see if it has snowed
6. Calling Brent to see if he made it to work, and how he's doing, and tell him I miss him already
7. Thinking new thoughts
8. Going to bed early (because I never do, but I always think I might with the hope that I will wake up more refreshed than I am in that moment...)

8 Most Recently Viewed Movies

1. Honey and Clover (a japanese film)
2. Lars and the Real Girl
3. King of Kong/Fistful of Quarters
4. Bottlerocket (again)
5. Persepolis
6. Baby Mama
7. Juno
8. Prince Caspian

8 Things One Might Find Interesting or Peculiar about Me

1. I remember names, as long as I learn the first and last name. If you say, "My name's Heather." I'll forget it immediately. If you say, "Hi! I'm Heather Winklerschmidt." It's locked in forever.
2. I used to be a morning person until we had kids.
3. I LOVE order. I live in chaos. It's maddening, I tell you!!!
4. I didn't read for pleasure until I was in my mid-twenties. I have so much catching up to do on good reads!!!
5. I'm not much of a planner. It's a necessity, but I get kinda depressed when all my days are filled up before I get to them.
6. I'm indecisive. big time. For example, I've been wondering if I should dye my hair for five years. I mean, I've decided not to for five years??? No. I'm just undecided.
7. I've never been overseas. Don't even have a passport. Wish I did...wish I could...
8. It took me 15 minutes to come up with #7.

8 smells I love

1. the ocean
2. horse barns (leather, horses, hay...all of it. I miss it a lot!)
3. clean clothes
4. coffee
5. neutrogena sesame body oil
6. pipe tobacco
7. onion and garlic sizzling in olive oil
8. my children, clean or stinky

i should have been blogging or reading the bible

but, no. i joined twitter. i'm so incredibly mad at myself. can someone explain the point of twitter? i mean...is it just another tool of the devil?? just wondering....

oh, the irony

I just wrote a post entitled something like, "The ridiculousness of pride as seen in my list of things I've been prideful about."

And then (obviously) I wrote this list of things that have generated some amount of pride. And they are ridiculous, really.

But, I was (am?) too afraid to post it for fear (pride) you won't like me anymore...because it is so ridiculous to be prideful about things...such as "having kids who eat spinach"...and such...

asinine, really.