Why am I chewing on a towel like Jerry Tarkanian?

A guest post by the man who rubs my shoulders, blesses the children every night and who is not playing softball this season, a.k.a Brent.



It all started as a freak softball injury last June. Not the one where I blew my knee out rounding third base or the time I hurt my back in the outfield. No. It was more random and dorkier than those.

Apparently, my baseball shoes are designed for looking cool and a little light jogging. Certainly not for running home from third base like Usain Bolt. That's the kind of misuse that will cause you to eventually end up chewing on a towel like it's a pacifier. Somehow, I managed to crush the big toe on my left foot as I raced across home plate. Shouldn't athletic footwear help prevent injuries instead of cause them?

I knew something was wrong immediately, but not yet completely aware of the seriousness. Maybe it was just stubbed or the nail got bent a little. It couldn't be that bad, right?

A week later I still couldn't put a sock on without wishing I could inject a vicodin/percocet/morphine combination super drug right into the toe. It felt like it was being squeezed by Andre the Giant.


*note redness, swelling and bluish tint under nail

I rarely go to the doctor so Jenna called the nurse hotline for me. (I rarely make phone calls either.) They told her pressure from under the nail was causing the pain and it needed to be released. I could either go to an urgent care center to handle it or we could pretend we live in a third-world country and the only doctor lives in the next village which is a three day journey... and our only camel just died.

Jenna likes to play doctor anyway (not in that way). She couldn't wait to begin the procedure.

How does one go about releasing the pressure under a toe nail? The nurse suggested using a paper clip. What!? She almost certainly works at a Denny's now. Here's how it went:

Step 1 - Find a sharp object. In our case, one of Jenna's trusty sewing pins (after realizing the paper clip clearly was not up for the challenge).


Step 2 - Heat the end of the object. Make sure it is hot enough to pierce solid keratin.


Step 3 - Twist the heated, sharp object into the toe nail repeatedly until blood or water oozes out.
=

Step 4 - Insert towel in mouth to manage pain.
look familiar???

In about 30 minutes, we struck gold and the thing was shooting up like a geyser.
okay...maybe not geyser-like, but wow.

And so concludes our very own home surgery success story!