Sunday, May 24, 2009

Why am I chewing on a towel like Jerry Tarkanian?

A guest post by the man who rubs my shoulders, blesses the children every night and who is not playing softball this season, a.k.a Brent.

It all started as a freak softball injury last June. Not the one where I blew my knee out rounding third base or the time I hurt my back in the outfield. No. It was more random and dorkier than those.

Apparently, my baseball shoes are designed for looking cool and a little light jogging. Certainly not for running home from third base like Usain Bolt. That's the kind of misuse that will cause you to eventually end up chewing on a towel like it's a pacifier. Somehow, I managed to crush the big toe on my left foot as I raced across home plate. Shouldn't athletic footwear help prevent injuries instead of cause them?

I knew something was wrong immediately, but not yet completely aware of the seriousness. Maybe it was just stubbed or the nail got bent a little. It couldn't be that bad, right?

A week later I still couldn't put a sock on without wishing I could inject a vicodin/percocet/morphine combination super drug right into the toe. It felt like it was being squeezed by Andre the Giant.

*note redness, swelling and bluish tint under nail

I rarely go to the doctor so Jenna called the nurse hotline for me. (I rarely make phone calls either.) They told her pressure from under the nail was causing the pain and it needed to be released. I could either go to an urgent care center to handle it or we could pretend we live in a third-world country and the only doctor lives in the next village which is a three day journey... and our only camel just died.

Jenna likes to play doctor anyway (not in that way). She couldn't wait to begin the procedure.

How does one go about releasing the pressure under a toe nail? The nurse suggested using a paper clip. What!? She almost certainly works at a Denny's now. Here's how it went:

Step 1 - Find a sharp object. In our case, one of Jenna's trusty sewing pins (after realizing the paper clip clearly was not up for the challenge).

Step 2 - Heat the end of the object. Make sure it is hot enough to pierce solid keratin.

Step 3 - Twist the heated, sharp object into the toe nail repeatedly until blood or water oozes out.

Step 4 - Insert towel in mouth to manage pain.
look familiar???

In about 30 minutes, we struck gold and the thing was shooting up like a geyser.
okay...maybe not geyser-like, but wow.

And so concludes our very own home surgery success story!


Jen said...

This is an AWESOME story. It has been well worth the wait of months and months of reading your blog and always wondering...Thank you so much!

Greta said...

Oh ouuuuuch.
And, Jenna, you have mad surgery skills. Something to keep in mind for after the kids are out of the house..

The Evans Family said...

Wow, that last picture looks like Jillian.

And GROSS, OUCH, YUCK, etc.. all at once.

Anonymous said...

I mean, dang. There should be a warning at the top of that post. But I enjoyed it in spite of the blood. Thanks for finally telling us the story.

Ched said...

"She almost certainly works at a Denny's now."


But, in a third-world-doctor-less-type-situation, wouldn't you also not have the digital photography equipment to document the ooze?

At any rate, serious man-points for Brent.

danielle said...

the last picture looks like brent went ahead and decided to take some drugs. i must say, i can totally sympathize with your pain. one summer i injured the toe nail on my big toe. the toe nail was "removed" from its intended location and placed back down. it all happened very fast. i realized i ripped up my ENTIRE toe nail. it hurt like a son of a b. after 2 long years of getting that cute little thing to grow back guess what i did AGAIN. yep, same toe. and then i dropped a big piece of wood on it like a week later. that hurt like a mother something or other. it's been two years again...

anyway, way cool post. i would have done an at home operation too!

Korean American King said...

i want more! brent needs a blog.

Jenna said...

yeah. sorry about the pictures. i put those in. i thought about putting a warning at the top, but i'm so over it myself.

and, yeah, K.A. King, brent would be a great blogger...with about 2 posts a year unfortunately.

Allison Dillard said...

And this, for all of those who have tried repeatedly to get me to play church softball, is a perfect example of why I never show up for the games.


Danielle said...

i just puked my face off.

(um...and my word verification is "purge." not kidding.)

Carol said...

The anticipation.....I'm so glad the truth is out! You are a good blogger, Brent. TWIST... REPEATEDLY... BLOOD...OOZES & your toenail didn't fall off, that's amazing, Jenna, glad you were up for that challenge! The paperclip, I've heard about that but, I think pounding w/a hammer may have been involved.

Hmmm, new picture new story on the horizon.

Esther said...

Funny thing - I always thought it was Brent's impression of what it's like to give birth. Looks like a knee up on the right side of the pic.

Anonymous said...

I had to do the same thing! Those hot needles really do go right through the nail, it's incredible.

Anonymous said...

I'm just so glad to know this story. So stinkin' glad.

Karla Anne said...

Wow. Yikes. Am I cruel, since I was laughing hilariously through parts of this post? So glad that worked out okay....

Lee Shelton IV said...

I had always wanted to know the story behind that towel picture. It was reminiscent of the obligatory leg amputation scene you get in every war movie set before 1900 -- although this was much more gross. Hope you had plenty of whiskey on hand.

Sarah said...

I loved all the pics...and all the details. WOW...had been wondering what that pic of brent was for. Such a great story...I heard Kurt laugh out loud at the part about he nurse "surely working at Denny's now." ACK!! Looked so painful. Now I want to know the story behind the new pic...about the day Brent proved he was funnier than you!!