resolved.

it looks like we've come to a decision. and there is peace. lots of peace. will fill you in later.

indecision

Okay. I am maybe the most indecisive person I know. I like to keep all options open for as long as possible. We just received a really good financial package from the school. Problem? I really think sending my boys to school next year is possibly the most sad, and most wonderful thing all at the same time.

I just can't decide what we should do next year.

I don't want to commit for next year...I mean...how will it feel then? I can't believe I'm admitting that I want my FEELINGS to inform my decision. And here's something I've noticed. For the last three days, I wake up thinking, "I could home school the kids." And then, as the day progresses, I have this really trapped feeling and think, "No. I can't. I need to send them to school.."

What gives?

My home schooling friends encourage me to follow my heart and home school. And, of course, the converse is true. There are a few exceptions , but that's pretty much the rule.

My feelings. My convictions. There's a battle going on in my heart. I feel like reading this, it's so obvious, right? Convictions seems like the right answer. Am I just not trusting that the Lord will supply my every need? Or has he through scholarship? And is it really a CONVICTION? Or is the "conviction" just a romanticized fantasy of raising up children who are brilliant and selfless...because I taught them? Is it pride? Do I feel like I have the power to determine their outcome ultimately?

There are more details, but I'm exhausted thinking about it. And I've got a Monday deadline.

Oh, friends, I'm in a tizzy...does anyone else know this feeling?

not exactly sure

I'm not exactly sure what's happening. Makin'lobster, crawdads, something...I just know that I watched this four times and I keep comin' back for more.

envy: a post for bloggers

i'll be honest. i have wordpress envy. the wordpress sites are so slick. i feel like such a cookie cutter blogger right now. seeing my template on other blogs is almost like going to prom and seeing someone else wearing my dress. my dress. my factory-made dress.

but, then, i'm not a serious blogger. who do i think i am making all the grandparents adjust to yet ANOTHER site to get their fix to see new pics of the grandkids???

are there any opinions out there?

(By the way, Miles is singing, "It came upon a Midnight clear, that I should drink some beer.")

seriously?

to all of you people not in Minnesota: it's frip-frappin' SNOWING. seriously.

a helpful blog

Almost seven months ago, a couple's loss cut me so deep, I couldn't stop thinking about them. I couldn't stop crying for them. I couldn't hardly think. When someone would ask, "How are you doing?", I really didn't know. I was just sad for Molly and Abraham. They had suffered through the loss of their little baby girl, Felicity, who was born still and silent and beautiful and flawless. I wanted to do something, but felt any attempt to reach out to them would be futile and maybe even self-centered...as it might make me feel better somehow, but still leave them longing for the little girl that no person could replace.

You've been there. Closer. Standing by your suffering friend. All words that come to mind seem so incredibly trite and useless. All the actions you come up with don't bring that suffering to an end. In your heart, you join in the grief and pain, but feel like it's a sacred thing you're supposed to keep a distance from, perhaps. You want to bring comfort, and yet, allow for open grieving at the same time. You fear that by saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, you could actually grieve your friend even more.

A few weeks ago, Molly started writing a series called, "How to Help Your Grieving Friend". It's touched the lives of so many grieving women. It's incredibly insightful and helpful to those who are suffering alongside. This series is a window to what is likely going on in the mind of your grieving friend. I encourage you to read along and be blessed by this series.

Also, somewhat unrelated, here is one of my favorite posts ever. It's also by Molly. If I could have, I would have written it myself. But, alas, just know that I agree. I want you to feel welcome here.

too many thoughts, not enough coherence

I'm plagued with incomplete thoughts. If you have heard me talk, you know the words fly out fast. My brain is like a race track...the thoughts buzz by lightning quick. Lately, I've had SO much going on in the ol' noodle that I can't hardly communicate.

So, here's my random thoughts. Oh...and a disclaimer: Blogger is not letting me format this the way I want to! It keeps messing with my spacing. dang it.

One brain sucker is that I'm waiting. For what? For God's answer...in the form of a financial package from the school that the boys might go to next year. The two options for next school year are so extremely different. Either they go to a very good Christian prep school, or they will stay home and be educated by...ME! Not knowing this portion of the future is kind of paralyzing for me right now. Either I'll be spending nearly every moment with my boys, imparting wisdom (pearls, people!), being sanctified in a grueling way, doing chores with them, pushing myself to the limits it seems...OR, I'll take them to school, missing all the joys of watching the various lights go on, enjoying a sewing project here and there, enjoying coffee with a friend now and then, enjoying time alone when Jillian naps, but feeling like someone else is getting the best hours of my sons' lives, and thus feeling like I'm missing out on a huge chunk of motherhood. I've been wondering and waiting for a month now. And any day now, I should receive the answer in the mailbox.





In the meantime, I've been trying to declutter. When we moved to Minneapolis, we left our home half packed up, not really knowing how or when we were going to pack it up and get our stuff here. Well, my parents and the family (who bought our home and who are friends) graciously packed up my house. They packed everything. In other words, (no offense Mommala and Pops), they packed stuff that I'd have thrown away. For instance, they packed stuff that was set aside for a garage sale. Anyway, we moved our clutter from St. Louis 600 miles to Minneapolis. nice. The idea that I might have to home school next year contributes to my compulsion to purge my environment of unused, broken, never-was-my-style, ex-garage sale junk. But, of course, as you declutter, you have to deal with sweet little memories like snowflakes that are inspired by the first letter of your children's names:

stop. take a picture. recycle. repeat.

Or just shove in a bag and take to Goodwill. Our trash pile was at least twice as large.

Part of the reason we didn't go through stuff right away was the seemingly infinite amount of house projects this little abode offers. We closed on our house on December 21st of 2005. Want to see a picture of me on Christmas night a few days later?

nope. that's not fecal matter,

it's five layers of wall paper.

Yeah. At the time, it felt like we could get so much done and get so much behind us. But here we are, 2 1/2 years later, barely truckin' along. Here's the bathroom we thought we'd get done right away.

I think I actually kind of like the tile now. But how about that sink and counter combo? Yeah. The tub is a different shade of yellow. She's a beaut.

Oh. And what have we here? Ah yes, we've been trying to turn this space:

Into our SECOND (that's right, friends...we have only ONE) bathroom. It's taken almost a year to get it to look like this:

look closer... lots of work to do.

Speaking of work, here's Brent doin' doubletime.

Moving on...here's something I think about almost everyday. Very random.

This:

(in the grapefruit and lemongrass scent)

Smells like this:

strange.

Another thing. Commitments. I'll admit, I don't like to commit. Seriously. But, somehow I managed to be in three studies that require workbooks. These have a lot of fill in the blank questions...most of them are still blank...and they will most likely stay blank. Oh and speaking of books...here's my nightstand:

These are just a smattering of books I'm reading...not finishing...enjoying?...learning from.

And here's something that's sure to make me feel awful every time I pass it...for the last nine months:

look close. you'll probably see your name. it's my WAY overdue "thank you" note list.

I'm forcing myself to draw this to a close. I'm making myself post this...even though it feels incomplete and unfinished much like the books, the thank yous, the decluttering, the decisions, the laundry, the dishes, the bathroom, the point...

a post for long-distance grandparents

This includes ALL of them! They check this blog with hopes to see their grandchildren and instead get a dose of my randomness. Sorry, folks. So, Nana, Pop Pop, Grandma, and Gramps: This post is for you!

7 1/2 years of being a parent. Right there.

Avery's always making sure she's supported!

She's not satisfied merely crawling. She tries to get up on her feet.

Brent teaches Jillian air drums. But not in this picture. Just thought I'd let you know.

Loves to be up on her feet.

Looks like I'm on an invisible horse. Giddy up!

Momma can't take a good picture to save her life!

needing to sort through things...

i have been and will be laying low. things have piled up around here and i'm in the midst of decluttering.

april fool's day

doesn't this seem like a prank?