Wednesday, April 9, 2008

too many thoughts, not enough coherence

I'm plagued with incomplete thoughts. If you have heard me talk, you know the words fly out fast. My brain is like a race track...the thoughts buzz by lightning quick. Lately, I've had SO much going on in the ol' noodle that I can't hardly communicate.

So, here's my random thoughts. Oh...and a disclaimer: Blogger is not letting me format this the way I want to! It keeps messing with my spacing. dang it.

One brain sucker is that I'm waiting. For what? For God's answer...in the form of a financial package from the school that the boys might go to next year. The two options for next school year are so extremely different. Either they go to a very good Christian prep school, or they will stay home and be educated by...ME! Not knowing this portion of the future is kind of paralyzing for me right now. Either I'll be spending nearly every moment with my boys, imparting wisdom (pearls, people!), being sanctified in a grueling way, doing chores with them, pushing myself to the limits it seems...OR, I'll take them to school, missing all the joys of watching the various lights go on, enjoying a sewing project here and there, enjoying coffee with a friend now and then, enjoying time alone when Jillian naps, but feeling like someone else is getting the best hours of my sons' lives, and thus feeling like I'm missing out on a huge chunk of motherhood. I've been wondering and waiting for a month now. And any day now, I should receive the answer in the mailbox.





In the meantime, I've been trying to declutter. When we moved to Minneapolis, we left our home half packed up, not really knowing how or when we were going to pack it up and get our stuff here. Well, my parents and the family (who bought our home and who are friends) graciously packed up my house. They packed everything. In other words, (no offense Mommala and Pops), they packed stuff that I'd have thrown away. For instance, they packed stuff that was set aside for a garage sale. Anyway, we moved our clutter from St. Louis 600 miles to Minneapolis. nice. The idea that I might have to home school next year contributes to my compulsion to purge my environment of unused, broken, never-was-my-style, ex-garage sale junk. But, of course, as you declutter, you have to deal with sweet little memories like snowflakes that are inspired by the first letter of your children's names:



stop. take a picture. recycle. repeat.


Or just shove in a bag and take to Goodwill. Our trash pile was at least twice as large.

Part of the reason we didn't go through stuff right away was the seemingly infinite amount of house projects this little abode offers. We closed on our house on December 21st of 2005. Want to see a picture of me on Christmas night a few days later?
nope. that's not fecal matter,
it's five layers of wall paper.

Yeah. At the time, it felt like we could get so much done and get so much behind us. But here we are, 2 1/2 years later, barely truckin' along. Here's the bathroom we thought we'd get done right away.

I think I actually kind of like the tile now. But how about that sink and counter combo? Yeah. The tub is a different shade of yellow. She's a beaut.

Oh. And what have we here? Ah yes, we've been trying to turn this space:

Into our SECOND (that's right, friends...we have only ONE) bathroom. It's taken almost a year to get it to look like this:
look closer... lots of work to do.

Speaking of work, here's Brent doin' doubletime.
Moving on...here's something I think about almost everyday. Very random.
This:

(in the grapefruit and lemongrass scent)

Smells like this:




strange.

Another thing. Commitments. I'll admit, I don't like to commit. Seriously. But, somehow I managed to be in three studies that require workbooks. These have a lot of fill in the blank questions...most of them are still blank...and they will most likely stay blank. Oh and speaking of books...here's my nightstand:

These are just a smattering of books I'm reading...not finishing...enjoying?...learning from.

And here's something that's sure to make me feel awful every time I pass it...for the last nine months:

look close. you'll probably see your name. it's my WAY overdue "thank you" note list.
I'm forcing myself to draw this to a close. I'm making myself post this...even though it feels incomplete and unfinished much like the books, the thank yous, the decluttering, the decisions, the laundry, the dishes, the bathroom, the point...

3 comments:

keitha said...

AHHHHHHH!!!!!!

ill be there in a few weeks. get the house project list ready.

do tell about that watchman nee book.

Jenny said...

I FEEL your constant whizzing of the brain... I'm there with ya, mama.

And, if MY name is on that list... just scratch it off... I don't believe in thank you notes. I'm sure you already said thank you, that's enough for me. (Is that presumptuous for me to think my name is on that list??? I don't think I've given you anything to deserve a thank you note, now that I think about it!!! HA!)

Tiffany said...

Oh, Jenna. I feel overwhelmed for you. I'm already overwhelmed with my own life, now yours on top of it. I'm going to explode.